Giving Thanks to those you Love and who have Loved you back!
Dear Readers,
This month I wanted to take a moment to say “Thank you,” to the ones that love me and took care of me during all of my surgeries and beyond. These strong soldiers stood by me time and time again during some of the most difficult moments of my life. It was during my cancer diagnosis (twice,) my surgery after surgery, my weak moments of tears and frustration, and my pissed off moments where I did not want help, but in actuality needed it. These people are my life and feed my soul. You know who you are. Words cannot express my gratitude.
A new strong woman came into my life recently through a new circle of dear friends. She was not in my life during my Breast Cancer surgeries, however, she recently had to deal with her father’s Prostate Cancer diagnosis and treatment. Even though it was not breast cancer, I strongly believe the situation for family and loved ones is similar regardless of the type of Cancer. She came to me wanting to write a post for my blog about the family members and friends of a Cancer patient and their own experiences, emotions and frustrations during the process. I immediately knew what she was talking about because I myself, also feel that it is not only difficult for the patient, but for all those around the patient. For each individual it is different, however, I honestly feel that it is an area that is almost unspoken and those near and dear have to struggle blindly through the process. Each has to figure out how to handle the intense feelings and stressful moments on their own, while trying to help the patient and not be a burden.
This topic is actually something that I really wanted the RavenPink site to touch on regularly, as Breast Cancer or any Cancer is an evil that affects all of those surrounding the patient. I wanted RavenPink to be a “go to” site for anyone, women, men, patients, loved ones, etc. to be able to find some bit of information or insight to what they were seeking. I wanted RavenPink to be seen as a site where you see survivors and loved ones strong again and living a life that they want and deserve. Please enjoy this touching and emotional read and remember to say “Thank You,” to your nearest and dearest support system of loved ones. To my loved ones, you bring out the light, the strength and the fight in me, and for that I thank you.
Stay Strong & Fight!
Danielle
Being There for Someone Who Has Cancer
by Michelle Esperanza
The concept of “holding space” for someone - often defined as being with someone without judgement - is something I have recently paid more attention to. Earlier this year, I was presented with the opportunity to practice holding space with my parents as my dad went through radiation treatment for prostate cancer.
In April, after close to a year of drug treatment to keep his prostate-specific antigens (PSA) levels lowered, my father’s urologist advised it was time to meet with a radiation oncologist to discuss two phases of radiation treatment to be conducted in the summer. His prognosis was good. More than 3.1 million men living in the US today have been diagnosed with prostate cancer at some point (Source: American Cancer Society).
Ever the pragmatist, Dad accepted the news calmly, despite having had one of his younger brothers pass away from prostate cancer less than six months before. I asked him how he felt and he said, “I need it, so I can get well.” At 79 years old, Dad said he was “...not really scared. I’ve been through heart surgery. I’m already old. My kids are grown and I’m happy. Never in my wildest dreams - in my younger days - did I imagine I’d be living here.” Dad enlisted in the U.S. Navy 60 years ago and immigrated to the U.S. from the Philippines.
My mom appeared to be having a more difficult time hearing the news. She usually accompanied my dad to his doctor’s appointments, but was not able to attend in April - she was at home caring for her 92-year-old mother who was on hospice care and who passed away a few days later. An only child, Mom was grieving her mother’s passing and tending to the memorial arrangements while also being concerned about Dad’s health. She was wholeheartedly supportive of her husband - and it was a lot to go through at the same time as experiencing the loss of her own mother, whom we called Mama. “I was really grateful how you and [your brother] helped take care of Mama in her last days,” said Mom. “[It] eased my anxiety [during the] time that I was dealing with Mama’s [end of life] and Dad’s illness at the same time,” Mom added.
Over the five-month period, I participated with Mom and Dad in major milestone appointments with their specialists and medical care team. We were very fortunate to be under the care of a great team - I was impressed from the initial 90-minute meeting with the radiation oncologist, where he walked us through the multiple treatment options available, ending with his recommendation: five weeks of intensity-modulated radiation therapy (IMRT), five times a week, followed by a two-week break, then three days of CyberKnife® radiation therapy to complete the treatment. Before the initial consultation, I’d researched prostate cancer treatment protocol and found the recommendation was in line with what I found. The first session began in late July and Dad completed the treatment in early October. I live more than 100 miles away from my parents, and visited regularly; my parents were also comforted knowing they could count on my brother, who lives within a few minutes’ drive near their home.
Dad did amazingly well with both treatments. He is a fairly regimented and disciplined guy, and he dutifully followed the complex diet and routine prescribed (including preparing for an enema each day before treatment). He experienced minimal side effects, one of which was having to wake up a few times to use the bathroom at night.
Mom accompanied Dad to each of his treatments. During this time period, one of Mom and Dad’s pups, Angel, had an unexplained illness and despite weeks of vet care, Angel passed away peacefully at home. We were all very sad, and Mom was devastated: she’d just lost her mom, then her dog, and she was concerned about Dad’s health. We talked about it and spent some time allowing the sadness to flow through us.
Dad is now done with treatments and will continue check-ups with his medical team every few months for monitoring. I asked my parents to share some thoughts on what they learned from this experience.
Dad said, “Get treated as early as possible. When you notice that you’re sick, go get treated. With my heart [disease], I ignored the symptoms. Then I had a heart attack [in 1992] and needed emergency surgery.”
“As an observer, it’s important to see and notice any changes in the person. The person might not see it themselves,” said Mom. She said she saw slight changes in Dad’s mood and energy levels after starting treatment, which she reported to the doctors caring for him. Mom said she appreciated having me be part of the process, and that it was helpful to have me there asking questions, advocating, taking notes, and helping our family understand and recall the medical team’s instructions.
How did this shape our family? We are thankful for our parents’ good health, and we are so glad we were able to be there and hold space for both Dad AND Mom as they went through this experience. For me, this time supporting my parents emotionally was a great opportunity for me to learn and practice holding space for others.
RESOURCES | CAREGIVING AND RESEARCH
When Someone You Know Has Cancer - American Cancer Society
IMRT information - National Institutes for Health (NIH)
Cyberknife information - UC San Francisco
“11 Things That Will Help You Hold Space for Someone” - GoodTherapy.org
“Holding Space: The Art of Being Present with Others" - The Chopra Center
RESOURCES | AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY
Check out this chart from American Cancer Society on cancer testing. Recommended cancer testing can help save your life. Ask your doctor or nurse about these tests.
Research to Help Women Prevent Breast Cancer or Live Their Best Life With It
The American Cancer Society estimates 268,600 women and 2,670 men will be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in 2019. This is why research into every aspect of breast cancer continues, including ways to help prevent it, find it when it can be treated most effectively, treat it with fewer side effects, reduce the chances of recurrence, and improve the quality of life after breast cancer treatment. (Source: American Cancer Society)
Prostate Cancer Awareness
What can a woman do about prostate cancer? Make sure the men in her family know the facts about the disease. And, be sure they talk with their health care provider about the steps they can take to help reduce their risk of prostate cancer or find it early. Visit cancer.org/prostate cancer or call the American Cancer Society® at 1-800-227-2345 to learn more. (Source: American Cancer Society)